I can't sleep.  Or I just don't want to.  Or something.  It has just passed midnight and I am wondering what my deal is since last week I was going to bed around the 9 o'clock hour after a weekend of camping and rising and lying down with the sun.  I guess I cannot fight it: I am a night owl.  Even if I get up early I am almost never fully awake before 11 AM (ask anyone who has ever worked or lived with me). 

I have just spent the better part of an hour looking for employment opportunities on craigslist because I feel like a fraud calling myself a writer and I feel like I should start preparing for the day I eventually run out of money.  There are a lot of shady gigs out there.  I especially like the ones that ask you to send a head (and/ or body) shot with your inquiry because you need to be attractive and well proportioned in order to serve food and beverage.  Um, I don't think so.

I would be a professional friend if I could.  I would love to spend entire work weeks just being a friend to people.  And by professional I don't mean I want to be paid or to solicit my services, I mean I would want to be taken seriously doing it.  That's all I really want out of professionalism.  To be taken seriously.  I think that's probably half the allure of it for most people.  Sure, we all need money to live in this world, but I think most people want to feel good about themselves and to be proud of something while they earn it.  It feels good to be an expert. 

I once met someone who was an incredibly kind person, the kind of person you want to be around and who you feel lucky to call a friend, and he talked about "letting them be the expert."  This dude was so cool because when he interacted with people he didn't act like he knew how cool he was or like he had all the answers.  This dude would stand and have a conversation with you and learn something from you because he knew you were probably an expert at something.  And you would be flattered and dignified because you were the cool person in the conversation; the one with the answers.  You could be an expert at taekwondo or medicine or wastewater management, it didn't matter.  You had something cool and interesting to talk about.  Basically all this dude would do was shut up and listen and learn, and the next thing you knew you felt like you were in the presence of Gandhi or something.  I always wanted to be more humble and kind like that.  I would want to be the kind of professional friend that makes people feel like they are rock stars. 

The real reason I am up is because I cannot turn off my brain.  This happens a lot to people, I understand, but I feel like my personal thought process is like that ringing in my ears: it never really goes away, it only seems that way sometimes because I've stopped paying attention to it. 

Okay, okay.  The real reason I am still up is because I had a mug of ice cream at 10 PM.  That was a delicious mistake.  And this shitty first draft is its love child.