I have to get something off my chest: I hate, hate, hate it when someone tells me to speak up.  Or that they can't hear me.  Or when they cup their hand around their ear as to nonverbally say the same thing.  I know that I am quiet and that there are times when a person needs to tell someone something like that, even out of respect for that person speaking, but it doesn't change the fact that in those moments I am simultaneously filled with rage and shame.  In those moments I almost always have to stop talking altogether for at least a moment in order to compose myself because I feel like it is almost always said kind of harshly, because I am embarrassed, because I hate myself for being so quiet, because I hate the other person for saying it, because I get flashbacks of myself as a small child sinking deeper and deeper into myself, wishing I could be louder because then maybe I wouldn't frustrate people and then maybe I would be worthy of love.  Then it feels nearly impossible to speak up because for me to do that would be a vulnerable thing and in that moment I'd rather have the muffled voice of someone speaking from behind the wall I've built around my heart.  I don't know if I have ever told anybody that before.  Not like that.  The thing is that I find it incredibly difficult to share any feelings that don't make sense and I know it makes no sense to hate such a silly, little thing.  But I think I will hate it forever if I keep it shoved in that messy junk drawer in my mind.  So there you have it.